Courtesy in modern society is dead. Face it, everybody's pissed off at each other, and few people treat one another with even the slightest degree of civility or respect. Wondering why the world treats you like dirt? Confused why nobody wants to help you at the local Megalo-Mart? Can't understand why nobody'll let you merge into that left lane in traffic?

Well, fear not. I've come to enlighten you. By following a few simple rules, you can learn to improve your interpersonal skills and possibly gain a certain smidgeon of respect from your fellow man.

Rule #1: Get off the #$*%ing cell-phone for two seconds.

Just because you can talk all the time doesn't mean you need to. What's more, nobody in the twenty-foot radius that you're inflicting your inane chatter on wants to hear it.

Seriously, how important is this conversation that it can't wait a few minutes? What is it Mr. President, trade relations break down with China again? Are you a doctor dictating brain-surgery instructions to save a patient's life? NO! You're just babbling away incessantly and spewing noise pollution all over the place. It's more annoying than secondhand cigar smoke. Learn to manage your time already. Nobody thinks you look cool or important with that thing in your ear.

What's more, bear in mind that everyone around you is privy to your conversation. After all, you're practically forcing them to be, whether they want to listen or not. Watch what you say. I was once on an airport shuttle next to a lady who dictated her credit-card number, full name, and Social Security number to someone on the phone. As well as everyone else within earshot. Don't cry to me when someone starts renting porn in your name, Sally. You should have excercised a little discretion. Another fun instance involved a man telling his friend, "all I did was grab her by the hair and hit her a couple of times" in the checkout line at the grocery store. Yeah, that's the way to make friends quick. Not only does he deserve to get his ass kicked, he's practically broadcasting an invite.

If you have to engage in any sort of real-world interaction, don't expect me to listen until you hang that stupid thing up. Don't bark at me periodically while telling your buddy on the phone about how you struck out with Amber from Accounting last night. Talk to me, or the person on the other end of the line. One or the other. If you insist on doing this, screw you and whatever you have to say to me–don't bother, I'm not interested. I've already decided that you're an idiot and a coarse dullard anyway.

Contrary to what you might think, you cannot multitask. In our spastic, media-inundated world, most people can't concentrate on one thing properly, much less do two things at once. If you're talking on the phone, don't try doing anything else, especially driving an automobile. You're steering two tons of steel and glass moving at a high velocity. Pay attention, for Pete's sake.

I'll be glad when they start treating these things like smoking. When you'll only be allowed to use them in certain areas, and even then, you'll be scorned for it. Think about it for a second…eating next to a smoker is bad enough, as it ruins the taste of anything you're trying to eat. But is that nearly as bad as the stress and annoyance of listening to some dolt blither on at the top of his lungs about something that really could have waited anyway?

While you're at it, lower your voice. Chimps and infants communicate by loud noises. Adults don't. You know what? You don't have to scream into one of those things to be heard. As a matter of fact, the person on the other end is holding the phone two feet away from their ear as well. That goes even more so for those heinous walkie-talkie things.

No other invention in modern history has done so much damage to the human psyche in such a short period of time. What's more, think about this for a second: you're walking through your life holding a device that transmits microwave signals directly into the brain via the ear canal. You think that's good for you? Guess again. Don't be surprised if, in fifteen years or so, brain cancer rates surge dramatically.

So, take my advice and save the phone for things that are really important and times that are appropriate. People around you will be thankful, and when you don't die of a malignant tumor at age thirty, you'll thank me, too.