And now, a few short rules for better living:
Don't curse in public.

Don't spit.

Don't scratch yourself in public. You know what I mean.

Don't raise your voice unless it's an emergency. Same goes for the horn on your car.

Don't give criticism unless it's asked for. Even then, be constructive. When's the last time you said, "Hey, you're a dick!" and anything good came of it?

Be kind to animals. It's a sign of good character.

Listen

Make friends with a child. Treat them as a shorter but no less intelligent person, and you'd be amazed how it earns their …

Nobody wants to hear your opinion
Everyone knows just why the weather sucks, why poverty's on the rise, and why gas prices are so high, and they're more than happy to give you their (usually unsolicited) opinion as to why. Never mind that they rarely have any factual ground to base these opinions on, or that they've even thought them through…no, this is America, where we live by one simple equation: Opinion=Fact.

In fact, we've even got this neat little invention now called Talk Radio where you can call up your favorite shrill and abrasive radio personality and broadcast your …

Learn the English language, already.
Now, before you get all cranky, I'm not addressing this to immigrants and folks who grew up speaking another language. English is a complex, contradictory and just-plain rough tongue to pick up.

No, I'm talking about folks who grew up (debatably) speaking it, most of whom don't know any other language. It amazes me what an utter lack of communication-skills the average American has. Half the time I talk to people, I've got to decipher numerous grunts and murmurs, not to mention the constant stream of casual profanity, even from grown adults. It's really not a big …