I originally panned Lost Planet based on a rather underwhelming demo, but I kept hearing great things about the final version from other gamers, so I broke down and bought it.

Turns out the demo really didn't do the game justice. I've really been enjoying it, and the multiplayer is an absolute blast, easily matching the frenetic rush of Battlefront. Thing is, this is still online gaming, which means I sometimes find myself dealing with the lowest-common-denominator sorts.

There are several types. One is the screaming 7-year-old whose parents should have invested in Ritalin rather than a videogame system. Best strategy for dealing with him is to kill him mercilessly, over and over, until he gets frustrated and leaves. The second type is D0peH3D D00d666, which is basically a foul-mouthed, frequently inebriated, older version of this. Again, same strategy.

Then there are the hardcore; the guys who are just…more into it than anyone else. They've put more hours into the game than most people put into careers, and they can be a blessing (if you're on their side) or a frustrating curse (if you're not).

Then there are the French.

Last night, I was on, and I ended up in a game with a bunch of Frenchmen. Okay, we all know what stunning military strategists the French are, right? And of course, we all know just how much valor they can show in battle. Well, even in this day and age, they've proven that six of them still can't handle it against one American.

It's simple, really. If I'm up on a hill, behind defensible cover, with a rocket launcher and a long-distance rifle, you will never take me down by rushing the hill. It's just simple tactics. Poor guys, they just didn't get it. Anyone with half a brain would have tried flanking my position or perhaps hitting me from a safe distance with heavy artillery, but not these guys. No, they're French.

They just kept trying, and I was actually getting kind of bored. Never mind that I was racking up almost fifty times as many points as them by using my BRAIN (they had all the giant robots, after all…), no that couldn't be it. At one point, I even suggested possible changes to their ill-fated "charge of Ulysses Grant" strategy, and then one of them said it:

"Stupid filthy, crass American dog pisser."

Oh. It's ON.

I despise the French with the sort of rancor I usually reserve for child molesters or people who pass wind in crowded elevators for the sake of amusement. Okay, they gave us Monet, Ravel and Camus, but what have they done since? Nada, that's what. All we get from France in the 21st century is alot of pissy, self-righteous whining and criticism.

They seem to forget that we bailed them out of TWO World Wars, both of which they had a hand in causing, and that we helped them rebuild their country (and most of a now-ungrateful Europe) after the second. We've run around the world and sacrificed the lives of thousands of our own people in cleaning up their postcolonial fuckups in the Middle East and southeast Asia. And what do we get out of it? A bronze statue on Ellis Island. Big whoop.

France will never again amount to anything significant. Why? Because it's populated by French people. And because one smelly American can hand their asses to them in a video game. When my plans for world domination come to fruition, the first thing I'm doing is annexing France and deporting them all to Antartica. The world will sing my praises.