A primer to driving in Atlanta
- Turn signals are for the weak, but if you feel the need to use one, make sure you don't use it until after you've begun the maneuver. Remember: announce your decision, not your intentions! Keep 'em guessing.
- When an officially-marked vehicle blows a siren and flashes its lights, it's just saying, "hi." No need to get out of its way. So what if someone's dying, it's not your problem, right?
- If you drive a a large pickup, you own the road. Feel free to use the right-hand median for passing others, then cut them off while you merge back in. You drive a larger, louder automobile, and therefore you must have reproductive organs of Homeric proportion.
- If you're on the cell phone, you are the most important person on Earth, and everyone is expected to accommodate your actions, no matter how oblivious or reckless.
- Yes, everyone in the adjoining zip code does want to hear your music.
- If it's a residential area, it's okay to drive down the middle of the damned road. If an oncoming driver blows his horn while he skids into the median, well, it's his fault. He's probably from Up North.
- Feel free to cruise in the right lane of the highway. Don't let anyone merge in–if they were in such a hurry, they'd already be on the highway, right?
- If a sign says, "Lane closed in 500ft," that means you should speed up to the point where it actually ends before even considering merging in. Screw all the people you hold up while you jam traffic for a mile back. If they were in such a hurry, they wouldn't be behind you, right?
- By all means, the more expensive your automobile, the bigger of a prick you should be. Make sure you take up at least two parking spaces. Bonus points for using fire lanes or handicapped spots.
File under: Me. Me. Me. |
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