Today’s cinematic triumph is Godzilla vs. Megalon. It’s a cautionary tale about mankind’s disregard for the environment, coupled with a lesson on the folly of scientific arrogance. It also raises moral questions about creating and controlling artificial intelligence.
Well, sorta. It’s a sequel to 1972’s dreadful Godzilla vs. Gigan, which was hardly a high-water mark for the franchise itself.
It opens with a montage of destruction caused by more nuclear testing. Flash to Monster Island, where Anguirus and the big guy now live. They get agitated, Anguirus falls into a pit, and Godzilla (whose eyes get bigger and more cartoonish with every film) walks around and roars. He’s obviously having some sort of existential crisis.
Enter the Seatopians. Just look at that chest hair…these guys mean business. They’re sick of their undersea utopia being molested by surface dwellers, so they summon forth the Kraken Megalon to inflict their wrath on Tokyo.
This guy’s no great shakes. Instead of arms, he’s got rock drills, and his method of attack appears to consist of spitting a red foam ball out of his mandibles. Oh, and that thing on his nose shoots lightning. While he makes his way towards the surface, we’re introduced to the good guys.
They appear to be two out-of-work scientist bachelors living with a young boy. The boy’s name is Rokuro; get to know it, as you’ll spend the next hour or so praying for his death. Like Kenny in previous Toha films, he serves two purposes: a) to be abducted by the bad guys, and b) to be as unbearably sappy as possible. He actually uses the word, “reckon” at one point.
The scientists are working on an android called (wait for it…) Jet Jaguar. Mr. Jaguar appears to be a blatant action-figure tie-in, and his presence eclipses that of Godzilla for most of the movie. This is made even more annoying by the fact that nobody involved with the production of this movie could pronounce “jaguar” correctly.
Turns out, the Seatopians need Jaguar as part of their plan, so two guys show up at the lab. One of them looks just like Oscar Wilde:
Not to spoil anything, but his eventual fate involves getting crotch-punched into unconsciousness by Rokuro, which almost makes me like the kid.
Megalon shows up and starts trashing Tokyo for the nth time, and Jaguar develops self-awareness and runs off to Monster Island to get Godzilla. When he arrives, he and the big guy communicate through a bizarre pantomime
Anyhow, Godzilla agrees to swim to Japan. It takes awhile, and for some reason, the directors keep flashing to the same scene of him trolling through the water every few minutes.
Jaguar gets there first and throws down with Megalon. Just as he gains the upper hand, the Seatopians summon Gigan to help out.
Okay, I’m not an expert or anything, but didn’t Gigan work for the Nebula M aliens? How did they end up as allies with the Seatopians? Even presuming Gigan’s got a horse in this race, how did he cross interstellar space so quickly? More pressing is the fact that he’s a bit of a prick (he bailed on Ghidora in the last film).
I suppose I’m reading too much into it. Anyhow, Gigan and Megalon lay the beat-down on Jaguar, and I find it hard to feel sympathy. Gigan likes kicking folks when they’re down.
So, we’re 3/4 of the way into the movie, and our favorite irradiated iguana finally shows up. For a guy who gets top billing in the title, I’d really expect more of him. In any case, Jaguar’s in rough shape, and Gigan and Megalon appear to be palling it up:
At this point, Godzilla’s pretty much a piece of self-parody. Gone is the single-minded monster born of anger and mankind’s nuclear folly. He’s now a boxer in a rubber suit. Notice the goofy Mohammed Ali shuffle:
He and Jaguar team up and go WWF on Megalon and Gigan. Gigan knows the better part of valor and leaves his buddy to get pummeled. What follows is a sequence well known to any fan of Mystery Science Theater, the move that shall henceforth be called the Tokyo Tail Slide. Scroll back up to the top of this article, then come back.
Jaguar grabs Megalon and pins his arms behind his back. He gives the head-nod to Godzilla, who takes a step back, jigs like a boxer, then delivers a flying kick that involves him sliding across the ground on his tail:
Yeah, the lizard’s dignity is pretty much gone at this point, so he grabs Megalon by the tail and whacks him up and down a few times for effect.
The Seatopians realize their cause is lost, and they summon Megalon back. Rokuro is still not dead. Godzilla and Jaguar have become best friends however, and both appear to have a functional understanding of human customs:
Godzilla heads back to Monster Island, and we’re treated to the infamous Jet Jaguar theme song. The two scientists discuss the troubling fact that Jaguar has become self-aware, which seems odd, considering that this is how he’s programmed:
As a movie, it’s a mess, as was most of the Showa-era franchise from here out. Of course, the worse a movie is, the better it serves as an MST3K episode. There’s a certain inverse-square rule with that, which I think was soundly proven by Manos: the Hands of Fate.
For some reason, Crow and Tom decide to dress as Orville and Gary Redenbacher and re-enact family drama and tragedy. It’s really elaborate, and it’s more disturbing than funny, but it’s well done. Also quite good is the Jet Jaguar theme song translation.
This episode isn’t commercially available. It was supposed to be on the 10th box set, but apparently Rhino could line up the licensing (it’s to be replaced with the equally worth Gamera). As such, it’s legal for download, and torrents are widely available. If you want a hard copy, the good folks at Castle Forrester press DVDs of it.