It's already begun. Mitt Romney showed up at the NRA convention Friday and gave a keynote address that boiled down to "Obama's going to take your guns, but I'm the guy who's going to fight for you right to keep them!"

Nice try, Mitt, but some of us have long memories. We remember who supported the original Assault Weapons Ban in 1993, and we haven't forgotten who signed off on a permanent extension of Massachusetts' state-level equivalent in 2004. Signing up for an NRA life membership two years later doesn't erase that.

Frankly, I don't expect the guy to push …

As much as I'm enjoying this game, there's one thing that keeps poking in to that whole "suspension of disbelief" thing for me.

The entire cast talks like Motörhead roadies.

No, really. Half the characters speak in an accent just like this, and the native people are called the Nords. One of the towns is named Hrothgar, after the Danish king of the Scylding line. Whiterun is ruled by a Jarl, and one of the mead halls is called Jorrvaskur, which basically means "spunky pony."

It quickly becomes obvious that Skyrim is little more than a thinly-veiled piece of anti-Scandinavian …

Talk about serendipity. I blame Manservant Hecubus.

Meet the seasoned operators of Tactial Bodygaurd & Security SVC.  According to their website, TB&S is based out of Montgromery, Alabama. I can't seem to find Montgromery on a map, which leads me to believe that these folks are some serious covert operators. There does appear to be a ninja in some of their pictures.

What exactly do these guys do?

 We specialize in security for clubs, bars, convenient store, private parties. weather it be a small job or big nothing we cant handle.

These folks certainly look professional, which leads me to believe that the rampant typographical errors are some kind of code. Try as I might, I can't seem to crack it.  Good work, guys.

You too can be Irony King (or other monarch) of the week by going here and giving your address.  They send you one of these bumper stickers free.  The site says it'll take 4-6 weeks to ship, but that's still plenty of time before the primaries.

In other news, there's a promising verdict from the North Carolina Superior Court (opinion linked at Volokh) upholding a felon's right to keep and bear arms.

Before you flinch at that, bear in mind that one can be punished as a felon for crimes that do little or no real harm to anyone.  Rehabilitation or decades of clean living don't matter:  a felony conviction of any sort is a lifetime ban from owning firearms.  However, if the right to keep and bear arms is a fundamental liberty (as the Supreme Court ruled in McDonald), can felons be denied its exercise forever?  After all, they still have rights to freedom of speech and legal counsel, right?

The whole "zombie" meme in the gun culture is just tired.  The only thing more likely to induce a contemptuous yawn of disinterest might be Punisher grips.  Zombies are totally 2009.  So are those posters of Obama looking like the Joker, or yelling "this is Sparta!" when you're not in Sparta (or gay).  Times change, and none of that foolishness is novel or witty any more.  It's just embarrassing.

Nonetheless, there still appears to be a profit in it.

We need a new bogeyman, and lately that seems to be flash mobs.  I'm telling you, suburban white folks are terrified of them, and I can see why.  I could use some additional cash flow, and since nobody's offered to load my new cartridge, I figure I'll kill two birds with one stone.

Plenty of obnoxious clichés get thrown around in the gun culture, but the most annoying is, "I carry a .45 because they don't make a .46!" I'm mildly surprised when the simpletons chanting that one manage not to drool on themselves in public.

In fact, I am so weary of it that I'm going to rectify the situation. I'm going to make a .46 caliber handgun cartridge.

Now, you might say that's a bad idea. Let me tell you something. When George Washington wanted to cross the Potomac and drive the British out of New Jersey, I'm pretty sure some folks told him that was a bad idea. But he proved them wrong, didn't he? He sent them packing all the way back to California. Smelly hippies. Without him, we'd be spelling words like "color" and "flavor" with a "u." I'm telling you, that man was a great American.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I plan on calling the cartridge the .46 Ginormous Action Tactical. A serious load demands a serious name, and that means using the word "tactical" to the point that it loses all meaning. It also prevents confusion, since ".46 GAT" couldn't possibly be confused with any current commercial loading.

News comes that politicians in Boston are looking to curb violent crime by restricting the sale of knives.

There's some precedent for this across the Atlantic. In the United Kingdom, they responded to a high homicide rate by banning guns. Something had to be done.

Then they saw an epidemic of knife crime, so they banned many types of knives. Something had to be done.

Then folks started assaulting each other with pint beer glasses, and something had to be done. They considered mandating plastic glasses.  I am not kidding.

When folks start beating each other with tire irons, rolling pins, …

By now, you've likely heard of Attack Watch, a site on which loyal citizens can report their friends, neighbors, politicians, boss, or gardener for spreading "misinformation" about the President and his agenda.  The site is registered to Obama for America, an underdog organization with only about $140,629,243 in capital.  It's not quite the Ministry of Love, but it'll have to do.

I got to thinking, and I've been pretty hard on the guy myself.  In fact, I'm positively wracked with guilt.  As such, I've turned myself in to the site.  I advise anyone else who's disagreed with the administration to do so as well.  Consider it a gesture of purgation and reconciliation.  Really, isn't it time we started healing as a country?

I've also taken the proactive step of reporting anyone I suspect of not having the moral character to do so themselves.  A short list follows.

We were pretty slow at work this weekend. Apparently, Atlanta is not only hosting a football game, but Dragon*Con and Black Gay Pride as well. It's hard to compete with a lineup that covers that many bases.

Given this unprecedented confluence of diversity, one must inevitably wonder: is Lando Calrissian getting the respect he deserves? He could be a major influence for cultural integration and acceptance.

Seriously, look at the guy. He's all kinds of fabulous.

Now, I'm not implying anything here.  Lando does seem to prefer the company of …

Nobody knows for sure what made Clippy snap.  Perhaps it was the cocaine.  Maybe it was the way Steve Ballmer would sneak up and grope him when they were alone in the break room.  For all we know, he hit the breaking point when he turned on the television and saw himself being voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.

All we know is that the 21st century wasn't being kind to Clippy, and he wasn't taking it anymore.

One January morning in 2000, he showed up at the Microsoft offices in Redmond with a Glock 19 and a 33-round magazine.  There would be blood.  Oh yes, there would be blood.

However, Clippy's rampage was cut mercifully short by the fact that he lacked fingers and was unable to operate the gun.  King County deputies arrested him on weapons charges.  He took an insanity defense, and he's currently getting the help he needs.

I wish the same could be said of the Brady Campaign.

Let's just say I know a guy who once knew a guy who once sniffed paint with Julian Assange in college.  He sometimes gets, shall we say, privileged information.  Some of it is highly classified, as is what I'm about to share with you.

Seriously, let's not put this all over the internet, people.

We all know that the SCAR Mk-16 was recently dropped by SOCOM, and the government claimed they were going back to the M4.  I now have evidence that this is not the case, and that a vast government cover-up is at work.