Humor

49 posts

Forgotten classics: Red Dawn

My local high-school football team is called the Wolverines. The high-school football team and guerilla patriot squad from Red Dawn is also called the Wolverines. Yet, whenever I see someone in a letter jacket and scream, “Wolverines!” with a rifle in my hand, people just don’t seem to get it.

Why? Because one of the great classics of Reagan-era American cinema languishes in near-obscurity. This is truly unfortunate, especially since we just haven’t had enough flag-waving jingoistic fervor in this country lately. Every red-blooded American should go out and watch this movie immediately.

If you don’t, then the terrorists have already won.

IE7: CSS still broken

I’ve got a WinXP partition on my laptop that I have to keep to use SonicStage. Oh, how I hate SonicStage, and Sony for forcing me to use it…but that’s a different topic.

Anyhow, I’ve hued and cried about Internet Explorer’s shoddy rendering of CSS before. Now that version 7 is out, I figured I’d give it a run and see if the codemonkeys at Microsoft had gotten things right. I mean, it’s only been ten years since the CSS standards have been introduced, right? You’d think they could have gotten it fixed by now.

Guess again.

Return of the Iron Fist of the Mall Ninja

A member at the High Road posted a new piece of Mall Ninja lore, this one from MySpace. Personally, I haven’t bothered browsing the forum from which it originated, as it requires an account on MySpace, and well…I only browsed MySpace once, and I felt like I needed to wash my hands afterwards. No thanks.

Anyhow, here it is, verbatim. For posterity, I’ll leave the poor punctuation and grammar intact, as they typify this sort of writing.

Hello All.

I am new to this group; however I am not new to carrying [a firearm]. I have been carrying for awhile now. I have lived my entire life by the traditional Republican values (yes I said I am a Republican and damn proud of it!), the Boy Scout Motto of Be Prepared, and the motto Better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

I carry six guns. All of them are Glocks in .40 S&@ caliber with Night Sights and are bone stock except for some wolf springs.

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Newsflash: Little Girls Prefer Open Software

In these days of restrictive DRM, lawsuits from the BSA, and all manner of spyware, adware, trojans and virii, most pre-adolescent girls are migrating to Linux and other OSS variants. Studies done by really smart people with clipboards have shown it.

To respond to this demand, Mattel has released BarbieOs 1.99, which will be powering the B-Book laptop available this Politically Correct Non-Denominational Winter Holiday (formerly known as X-mas, formerly known as Christmas).

According to a company spokesdroid, the BarbieOs runs under Debian, reflecting young consumers’ concerns for speed, stability, security and scalability. He says that this is the sort of OS a savvy, career-oriented woman like Barbie would use, and he adds, “Barbie would also be tired of Microsoft’s licensing bullshit.”

As are we all.

Speaking of DRM, many consumers concerned with the legal and intellectual constraints being placed on the online music community have started turning to older, less restricted technology.

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Zen wisdom of the Mall Ninja

Whoever owns mallninja.com didn’t renew their domain, and it’s gone. I went looking for the original thread on GlockTalk, but they don’t have it in the archives. Does it mean that the eternal wisdom of Gecko45 and SPECOPS is gone? No! For I once saved the original pages (as text), and I’m going to mirror them here.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Allow me to explain, young Grasshoppa. The Mall Ninja is an elite operator, usually with some shadowy Special Forces experience, whose job it is to guard our nation’s shopping centers from Chechen rebels, youth Triad gangs, child molesters and teenage shoplifters. To this end, they acquire and train with the best and most powerful ordnance and hone their skills to a razor-sharp edge.

The Martialist gives a somewhat droll definition as:

(…) stems from a famous series of threads at an Internet discussion forum in which one deluded troll regaled the assembled participants with tales of his dangerous life providing covert security as part of a secret ninja group keeping safe a public shopping mall.

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Darwinism in action…

This is very similar to an event that once happened to me. Gansta Homey Tip of the Day: retain your weapon and ensure you’ve got it under control when robbing someone. This guy just didn’t get it:

A few years ago, I ran a record store in a bad section of town. MC Pimpin’ Twitch walked in with a Jennings J22 tucked in the back of his pants. When he drew it to brandish, the weapon slamfired, discharging into his left leg on a downward trajectory. A .22 can do alot of damage that way. He was bleeding profusely and crying like Ted Kennedy at an AA meeting. When Fulton County showed up, they couldn’t keep from laughing. At one point, he asked them when they were going to call an ambulance, and their response was, “yeah…in a minute.”

Of course, in an ideal world, people like this would just end getting weeded out by fate.

Why the internet is evil and sick.

Recent IRC quotes:

<Staberinde> The worst of the bunch was this

* Staberinde points at his crotch

<Staberinde> “Ya know this thing isn’t going to blow itself!”

<CrashCat> it will if you wire it with explosives

<Staberinde> Well yes, but that’s only when the zombies are near

* Ouroboros does a robot dance in FLB’s pants.

<FLB> …

<Ouroboros> Well.

<Ouroboros> I mean.

<Ouroboros> You have spare pants, right?

<FLB> Yeah! Of course!

<FLB> That’s what you meant

<Ouroboros> Yes.

<Ouroboros> It is.

<FLB> Umm.

<FLB> You can keep that pair.

<FLB> They’re on the house.

<Ouroboros> KTHX

Aleatory inbox poetry

One thing I love about Thunderbird is the built-in junk filtering system. After a little bit of training, it wipes out 95% of the crap I’d rather not wade through to get to my email. Thing is, with any such filters, you’re bound to get the occasional false-positive, so it never hurts to double check.

The last few times I’ve perused my “Junk” folder, I’ve noticed a preponerance of advertising messages with subject lines like, “Virginia said hi” or “Has Carla left Steve yet.” I guess they’re supposed to be mistaken for personal correspondence, but for the most part, internal patterns in the messages are enough for Thunderbird to pick them out.

What I don’t understand (and if you know, drop me a line) is the smattering of nonsense that’s attached to the bottom of each of these messages. Stuff like “proud poetic seething sidereal decreeing presidential brash hut sham.” What the heck?

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