(2000, the offices of Lucasfilm. George Lucas, Lynn Hale, and Rick McCallum are meeting to discuss the script and details for Episode II)
George Lucas: Okay, so I want this one to be called “Jar Jar saves the Universe.” Now don’t freak out, I know the fans wanna see Annie, too, so we’ll throw him in, along with that short guy, whasshisname?
Rick McCallum: Yoda?
Lucas: Yeah, Yoda! The kids’ll love it!
McCallum: I don’t think this is the angle we want to go with…
Lucas: And why not?!? People love Jar Jar! You told me so!
Hale: Well, maybe, George, we were trying to avoid hurting your feelings, and…
Lucas: And what?
McCallum: Well, George, people don’t like Jar Jar. For many reasons.
Hale: Many.
Lucas: Name one!
(Lyn Hale pulls out a file labeled “Phantom Menace reviews.” George looks over it, aghast. He screams, and at one point, paces the room crying. He leaves and comes back in wearing Mark Hamill’s original ANH costume. It doesn’t fit very well, to say the least)
Lucas: (sniffling) Ben…how come you never told me?!?
Hale: I’m sorry we had to do that, George.
Lucas: You could have told me!
McCallum: We told you people didn’t hate it, which is true. From a certain point of view.
Lucas: But how can it be “Jar Jar saves the Universe” without Jar Jar?!?
Hale: Relax, George, he’ll still be in the movie. He’ll just play a smaller…
McCallum: …but equally important role!
Lucas: (looking suspicious) I don’t understand.
McCallum: Well, Christopher Lee says…
Lucas: The old guy? He’s in this?
McCallum: Yes. He’s the bad guy. And he says if he has to do a scene with Jar Jar, he’ll walk off the project.
Lucas: Oh. But Jar Jar’s still in it, right?
Hale: Yes, but just in a more…
McCallum: Succinct.
Hale: Yeah, succinct role.
Lucas: (still suspicious) Well, we can’t have Lee walking out. He’s Count Chocula, after all…
McCallum: And we need to talk about that, too. We can’t call him Count Chocula. It seems that Post Cereals owns the rights to that name..
Lucas: F*&^ ’em! We’ll buy Post f*&^ing Cereals! In fact, we’ll buy ’em and stick Annie’s face on every f*&^ing box!
Hale: We’ve already done that.
Lucas: Good!
McCallum: But we don’t think the fans would react to the name “Chocula” very well. Perhaps a more fitting name…
Lucas: Well, s*&^!
McCallum: No sir, “Count S*&^” might be considered offensive by some.
Lucas: It’s my f*&^ing movie!
Hale: We just can’t do that, sir.
Lucas: (looking wounded) It’s the swearing, right? Gotta get a PG rating. Well…how about “Count Dooky.” Heheh…dooky…kids like that.
McCallum: (exasperated) Okay. Let’s just settle for “Dooku” and move on. Next order of business. The Anakin/Padme love story.
Lucas: Euuww…that’s icky. Does he get cooties?
Hale: No, they’re Luke and Leia’s parents, remember?
Lucas: So?
Hale: Well, at some point, they’ll have to….you know.
Lucas: (blank stare)
Hale: You know, they’ll have to…
McCallum: Have sex, George.
Lucas: You’ve gotta do that to have babies?!? Euwww! I’ll get one of those guys in accounting to write those parts. What else? We’re bringing Bea Arthur back into it, too, right? She was great in the Holiday Special! Man, can she sing!
McCallum: I’m sorry, George, but she refused. She said it’s a crime of nature to do something like that with a droid, especially at her age.
Lucas: Well! First you want a love story, now you don’t. There’s no making you people happy. Well, what else?
McCallum: Well, we’re not real big on calling the bounty hunter “Shooty McBangBang Fett.” We need something shorter.
Lucas: Booty McBangBang Fett?
Hale: No, that’s Billy Dee’s character in Episode III.
Lucas: bang bang…how about “Jango?”
McCallum: Sure. Screw it. I wanna get home some time tonight.
Lucas: And he and Jar Jar have a big lightsaber battle at the end right?
McCallum and Hale: NO!!!
(Lucas throws another tantrum. McCallum hands him some pills, which he swallows. A calm, peaceful smile settles over his face.)
Lucas: Okay…we’ll have him duke it out with someone else. Ooh, look. Ugnaughts are jumping on the table. Pretty little Ugnaughts…
Hale: So it’s settled. We’ll start shooting tomorrow. Why don’t you take a vacation, George? We’ll let you know when it’s finished.
Lucas: Okay…and after this, we can do the “Ewoks” prequel trilogy…
(Lucas saunters dizzily to the door)
McCallum: (whispers to Hale) and for the love of God, have somebody change the title. To what, I don’t care.
(Lucas bumps into Christopher Lee, who is just arriving)
Lucas: (to Lee) Heheh…your name’s “Dooky…”
Lee: This deal is getting worse all the time.