Ah, it’s been awhile. If you don’t know who this happy little gent is, well…you’ve never seen Manos: the Hands of Fate. When I was in college, a friend brought a copy of this movie over one Friday night for us to watch. It had been given to him by his film professor as “a catalog of heinous mistakes.” We tried to sit through it. We really did.
In the years since, I’d largely buried the resulting psychological trauma under a thin veneer of denial and forgetfulness. Although I’d followed it casually, I’d been unaware that the good folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000 had given Manos the full treatment. A friend mentioned it, and it turns out that this is one of the MST3K episodes Rhino’s released on DVD, so I picked up a copy.
This is an entirely different movie when Joel and the Bots do it. On its own, Manos is utterly unwatchable. I’m not talking Hudson Hawk or Battlefield Earth bad; this is on a completely different level of dreck. You’d have to see it to understand. I can’t tell you. Suffice it to say, this movie should have never seen the light of day (actually, its only showing was the premiere, which was an embarassment for all parties involved).
Basically, the story involves Michael (played by fertilizer salesman-turned-director Hal Warren) driving his family to a remote ranch-house in El Paso for a vacation. They get lost, and end up spending the night in a hacienda for the damned.
Doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Sure, we’ve heard this same story a hundred times before, but Warren manages to drag it down into a Stygian cesspool of mediocrity that makes Ed Wood look like Hitchcock. Everything, from the camera work (the only shot in the film that’s actually in focus is a shot of stock-footage), to the horrible voice-overs, to the acting, to the grimy and low-budget sets…oh, it’s just too pathetic.
All of which makes it the perfect MST3K episode. Joel and the Bots jump in like hyenas attacking a downed zebra, and they don’t let up. Just before Torgo’s entrance, Joel remarks, “every frame looks like someone’s last-known photograph,” and you can’t help but agree.
But it’s really Torgo who ties the whole thing together. Some movie monsters have bug-eyes or huge teeth or facial deformities. Torgo has enormous kneecaps. That’s right. Kneecaps. That’s what’s supposed to make Torgo a monster.
Of course, the actor playing Torgo walks with a shambling gait and talks in a raggedy stutter, uttering such Zen koans as, “there is no way out. It will be dark soon. There is no way out.” Torgo works for “the Master,” a guy who resembles my high-school band teacher and apparently worships a burning hand. He has a harem of toga-clad brides in the basement, and a ten-minute catfight among them is (I suppose) the comical high-point of this movie.
Then there’s Torgo’s “death by massage,” Hal’s idiotic acting (his wife slips up and calls him “Hal” instead of “Michael” a few times), and the hair-fondling scene. The less said about that, the better. There are actually two separate instances in the MST3K version where Frank and the Professor apologize to Joel and the Bots.
In any case, you can find the original version of this movie on eBay, but trust me, you won’t make it. The original tagline was, “It’s shocking beyond belief!” That’s not entirely wrong.
I stopped following MST3K not long after Joel left. Mike was a good host, but the show just felt like it had lost something. For me, Joel was the heart of the show, and this represents the nadir of his craft. He not only makes this reprehensible piece of festering prattle watchable, he transcends satire, and by proxy, he elevates this movie into something resembling art. Long live Joel, and keep circulating the tapes.