What follows is a transcript of a meeting between Herman Meltzer and Kent Ashburg, senior management of SuperMegaloConglamerate Holdings.
“Gee Herman…what if someone shoots up our mall? Maybe we should take down those ‘no guns on premises’ signs and let licensed gun owners carry here.”
“Whaddaya, $%&*in’ crazy?!? Insurance won’t cover us if one of those guys snaps and goes Rambo!”
“Um, Herm, statistically, that never happens. Besides, does our insurance pay for the people who are injured or killed?”
“Not our problem, Kent. We let folks carry guns, and it’ll be a shootout at the Pottery Barn every time they throw a sale.”
“Herm, when has that ever happened?”
“Well, not here, but I heard of it somewhere. Probably minorities involved. Thing is, it happens all the time. At least that’s what the representative from the Brady Campaign told us.”
“Herm, they were pushing an agenda.”
“Nonsense. They had charts! With numbers! Besides, guns spook the sheep that we spend so much time bilking for money! Look at the time and money we’ve spent making them so docile. Think of the Muzak and flashy lights!”
“By ‘sheep,’ you mean our customers, sir?”
“Duh, Kent. Now let’s get lunch. It’s almost noon, and I’m still sober!”
“But what about their safety, Herm?”
“We’re not responsible! Keep the signs up. It makes it look like we DID SOMETHING, and that’s what’s important. We already have security, after all.”
“Sir, they’re unarmed, they get paid $7.00 an hour, and most can’t run twenty feet without collapsing in exhaustion. They’re butlers, not security.”
“Nonsense, they’ve got uniforms. Uniforms make people feel protected. It’s about perception, not reality, Kent. Plus, they work cheaper if they don’t qualify with firearms. I’ve got it all figured out.”
“I think I need that drink now.”