Many Bothans Died to Bring Us This Information

Let’s just say I know a guy who once knew a guy who once sniffed paint with Julian Assange in college.  He sometimes gets, shall we say, privileged information.  Some of it is highly classified, as is what I’m about to share with you.

Seriously, let’s not put this all over the internet, people.

We all know that the SCAR Mk-16 was recently dropped by SOCOM, and the government claimed they were going back to the M4.  I now have evidence that this is not the case, and that a vast government cover-up is at work.

The following is a leaked cable from a recent Defense Department meeting. Click images to embiggen.

WARNING

The following briefing material is classified SECRET DELTA JUNTA MANILOW. If you do not have SECRET DELTA JUNTA MANILOW clearance, burn this material now and report to your unit security officer for debriefing. Failing to observe this notice is an criminal offense under the UCMJ.

You have sixty seconds to comply.

………………………………………………….

“OK, seriously, ‘MANILOW?’ What the…”

“Brad was feeling…festive, sir. They repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and…”

“Yes, yes, I get it. What’s next, stripes for interpretive dance?”

“The Coast Guard is considering that, sir.”

“May the Lord take pity on us.”

“Yes sir. Next item: our new Joint Rifle candidate.”

“This isn’t another piece of plastic with rails all over it that costs $3000, is it?”

“No sir, we think we’ve found an acceptable carbine that meets a wide variety of mission goals while keeping us within budget. Here’s the first slide:”

“Now that’s one stand-up looking soldier there. What’s that thing on the wrist?”

“It’s a combination backup pistol and compact laser designator. As you can see, the primary weapon accepts an EOTech scope, AR-15 carry handle, single-point sling, and bayonet. Like the ACR and SCAR, it allows the operator to use multiple types of ammunition in the same rifle.”

“So, we’ll have to keep an inventory of uppers and…”

“No sir. This weapon shoots .45 Colt and .410 shotshells without the need for any conversion.”

“Son, did I just hear you say that the United States military is going back to the .45 Colt?”

“Shush, sir. We don’t want the internet to catch wind of it.”

“‘Shush.’ You just said ‘shush.'”

“Sorry, sir. We’re all just feeling a bit…”

“Festive. Yes, I get it, son. Continue.”

“The rifle will be paired with a new standard-issue sidearm, which shall share the same ammunition.”

“.45 revolvers? Teddy Roosevelt would be proud.”

“Who, sir?”

“Rest assured I’m crying on the inside, son. Now, how much is this going to cost?”

“Less than you’d think. Both weapons are manufactured by a Brazilian company on the cheap.”

“Brazilians? Hot damn! And you thought folks were peeved when we went to an Italian pistol!”

“Yes sir.  In the following slide, you can see the new loadout in detail.  Attached to the vest are a redundant optic, as well as a Taser and high-intensity defense spray for non-lethal force.”

“Bear spray?”

“Yes, sir. You never know.”

“I like the way you think, son.”

“Thank you, sir. The next slide shows a backup gun/laser designator on the left shoulder so that the soldier can cover his own six.”

“I’ll refrain from making sarcastic comments.”

“Very tactful of you, sir.”

So, there we have it.  The United States military is switching its carbines to the Rossi Circuit Court Judge.  Further rumor has it that its designation will be Mk-19 Inquisition, and that the Taurus Judge will be designated as the M13 sidearm.

This also means we’re going back to the .45, which should please many people stateside and hack off NATO to no end.