I don’t think I’ll ever get a picture in which Clio doesn’t look like a goofus.
Humor
49 posts
OK, I’ll join in on the Brian Williams meme train. Here he is reporting from Dallas on November 24, 1963.
So, this week is SHOT Show in Las Vegas. The ATF maintains a booth there, and someone thought it would be witty to do this:
Of course, when one considers the fact that our tax dollars paid for that sign, the joke’s on us. I’m sure this brave and clear act of civil disobedience inspired a road to Damascus moment among the agents present. I wouldn’t be surprised if it made the entire agency consider a change in mission and philosophy, and…
Yeah. Um, no.
While we’re at it, the correct spelling is “Molon Labe.” Molon. Spelling and grammar really do count, children.
Iranian news sources and the Russian FSB have parsed Edward Snowden’s 2-million document leak. Among the shocking state secrets revealed is the identity of our true lords and masters: Hitler space aliens.
Well, now the cat’s out of the bag. Is nothing safe?
Apparently, Snowden shared documents with former Canadian defense minister Paul Hellyer, who has gone on record to confirm that space aliens from Nevada (I knew there was something off about Harry Reed) have been running our government since 1945. They’d previously built submarines for the Nazis. The whole thing has been splashed all over the Russian and Iranian media.
I’ve heard a theory that Snowden isn’t real, that he’s an elaborate hoax. It makes a certain sort of sense. However, the idea that we put him out there to confuse and troll the bejeezus out of Putin and Rouhani is far more satisfying. And utterly hilarious.
It’s 12° out. That’s not even cold. Heck, in Oslo, it’s…what? What? 39°?
Crap. It is cold. I need to avoid sticking my tongue on any foreign objects for the next few days.
(Thanks to George Takei for the cool picture.)
The NSA is apparently monitoring online gamers in hopes of catching terrorists.
Because militants often rely on features common to video games – fake identities, voice and text chats, a way to conduct financial transactions – American and British intelligence agencies worried that they might be operating there
Right. So, um…yeah. To be sure, I can never play Borderlands or Team Fortress for more than 30 seconds without some jihadist trying to recruit me to his sinister cabal. It’s quite disconcerting, really. I once tried World of Warcraft, but all those folks ever do is plot to overthrow the Great Satan. In fact, I think Leeroy Jenkins is actually the Wahabist version of Captain America.
Think about it: have you ever seen Mario and Ayman al-Zawahiri in the same place? Thought not.
So, I have an idea. We spam them. Every conversation you have in an online game should use at least one of the following words or phrases once per minute:
- dirty bomb
- Al Qaeda
- assasination
- FEMA
- radical
- spillover
- ebola
- Celine Dion
- Tea Party
- standoff
- militia
That’ll confuse ’em.
So, I was doing some things in which I take little pride. In fact, it’s best they’re not mentioned. During the course of these…things, the venerable <blink> tag came up, and I found out that it has been disabled in newer versions of Firefox. It appears that Chrome has never supported it.
What the $%*@? I mean, seriously. What the $%*@? This is America. We have rights. This aggression will not stand, man.
First they came for our floppy disks. Then they came for our Geocities pages. Where does it end? They think they can just come around and pull the rug out from under us. Not cool. That rug tied the room together.
Sometimes I need to make a point, and the best way to do it is through seizure-inducing blinking text. Now, like my collection of Twin Peaks video tapes, that has been torn away from me. Those guys who own Mozilla and Google, their day is coming. Continued...
We’ve all endured the various debates about handgun cartridge effectiveness. We’re told the venerable .45 ACP is capable of physically unfeasible things, while the 9mm will annoy an assailant at best. While some folks have conjecture and anecdotes, I have physics on my side.
It’s all about black holes, specifically the Schwarzschild radius. That’s a measurement of how tightly a given object must be compressed in order for it to become a gravitational singularity. For example, the Sun would have to be compressed to a radius of roughly 3 kilometers before it became impossible for light to escape its gravity.
The Schwarzschild radius for the Earth? 9mm. Yeah, science!
You don’t get better stopping power than something that rips a hole in the fabric of spacetime.
It’s been seven months since Twinkies went out of production. Seven interminable, agonizing months. I have hungered. I have been irritable and cranky. I have had to resort to normal food to keep my blood sugar normalized.
No more! The Hostess brand has been purchased by Apollo Global Management LLC (which is totally not the name of an adult video company), and Twinkies will be back on store shelves on July 15th. I am going to order a case of Jolt Cola, take a couple of days off, and gorge myself until I look like Orson Welles.
This is America. If you believe enough, and if you try hard enough, you can do almost anything. You could be an astronaut, a head of state, or even start a snarky blog of your own.
If you try really hard, you can even force a 1911 magazine to seat and lock into a Glock 21.
Fortunately, you can’t make it chamber a round.
The Pony. The Rooster. Together, they fight crime.
No job is too big or too small. Need someone to rescue the President from ninjas? They’re on it. Need someone to do a rockin’ rendition of “Uptown Girl” at your next Bar Mitzvah? They’re game.
(We regret that the terms of Rooster’s probation don’t permit him to approach within 100 yards of a petting zoo or aquarium.)
This is what gun dealers have to endure when we’re on hold with the NICS background check center:
It strains sanity and tests even the hardiest soul, especially when I’m stuck on hold for as long as 30 minutes at a time lately. Sometimes, I just turn on speaker phone so I can share the pain.
I have trouble believing that a government that can’t come up with better music than this could possibly effect a nationwide gun confiscation effort.
Usually, I get one good nutjob a week. They waddle in, regale me with their conspiracy theories, then leave to do whatever it is they do when they’re not holed up in a makeshift Faraday cage somewhere.
Today, I had three before lunch. I checked: it’s not a full moon. So what gives?
The first mentioned that DHS put in a large order of ammunition, “like a million rounds or something.” A rational person would say, “OK. We’re going into the 4th quarter of the fiscal year.”
Well, that’s what a rational person would say. This guy? Noooo. He claimed it was to be to used on “sovereign American-born citizens who will one day stand up for their rights and refuse to lie down any more.” I got that part verbatim because I was so bored with the conversation I actually wrote it down.
I hadn’t even had my coffee before another guy came in railing about FEMA camps and bath salts. Continued...
It’s already begun. Mitt Romney showed up at the NRA convention Friday and gave a keynote address that boiled down to “Obama’s going to take your guns, but I’m the guy who’s going to fight for you right to keep them!”
Nice try, Mitt, but some of us have long memories. We remember who supported the original Assault Weapons Ban in 1993, and we haven’t forgotten who signed off on a permanent extension of Massachusetts’ state-level equivalent in 2004. Signing up for an NRA life membership two years later doesn’t erase that.
Frankly, I don’t expect the guy to push for the 2nd Amendment if he gets elected. I don’t think we can even expect a wizened little shove. The best we’ll get is that he stays out of the way of the progress we’re making.
Is the situation ideal? Nope. But politics isn’t about the ideal; it’s about what’s practical and achievable. Continued...
As much as I’m enjoying this game, there’s one thing that keeps poking in to that whole “suspension of disbelief” thing for me.
The entire cast talks like Motörhead roadies.
No, really. Half the characters speak in an accent just like this, and the native people are called the Nords. One of the towns is named Hrothgar, after the Danish king of the Scylding line. Whiterun is ruled by a Jarl, and one of the mead halls is called Jorrvaskur, which basically means “spunky pony.”
It quickly becomes obvious that Skyrim is little more than a thinly-veiled piece of anti-Scandinavian propaganda and defamation.
Brütal Legend was offensive enough, but this just crosses the line. Thanks for the hate crime, Bethesda. Our attorneys will be in contact shortly.
Talk about serendipity. I blame Manservant Hecubus.
Meet the seasoned operators of Tactial Bodygaurd & Security SVC. According to their website, TB&S is based out of Montgromery, Alabama. I can’t seem to find Montgromery on a map, which leads me to believe that these folks are some serious covert operators. There does appear to be a ninja in some of their pictures.
What exactly do these guys do?
We specialize in security for clubs, bars, convenient store, private parties. weather it be a small job or big nothing we cant handle.
These folks certainly look professional, which leads me to believe that the rampant typographical errors are some kind of code. Try as I might, I can’t seem to crack it. Good work, guys.
You too can be Irony King (or other monarch) of the week by going here and giving your address. They send you one of these bumper stickers free. The site says it’ll take 4-6 weeks to ship, but that’s still plenty of time before the primaries.
In other news, there’s a promising verdict from the North Carolina Superior Court (opinion linked at Volokh) upholding a felon’s right to keep and bear arms.
Before you flinch at that, bear in mind that one can be punished as a felon for crimes that do little or no real harm to anyone. Rehabilitation or decades of clean living don’t matter: a felony conviction of any sort is a lifetime ban from owning firearms. However, if the right to keep and bear arms is a fundamental liberty (as the Supreme Court ruled in McDonald), can felons be denied its exercise forever? After all, they still have rights to freedom of speech and legal counsel, right?
The whole “zombie” meme in the gun culture is just tired. The only thing more likely to induce a contemptuous yawn of disinterest might be Punisher grips. Zombies are totally 2009. So are those posters of Obama looking like the Joker, or yelling “this is Sparta!” when you’re not in Sparta (or gay). Times change, and none of that foolishness is novel or witty any more. It’s just embarrassing.
Nonetheless, there still appears to be a profit in it.
We need a new bogeyman, and lately that seems to be flash mobs. I’m telling you, suburban white folks are terrified of them, and I can see why. I could use some additional cash flow, and since nobody’s offered to load my new cartridge, I figure I’ll kill two birds with one stone.
Plenty of obnoxious clichés get thrown around in the gun culture, but the most annoying is, “I carry a .45 because they don’t make a .46!” I’m mildly surprised when the simpletons chanting that one manage not to drool on themselves in public.
In fact, I am so weary of it that I’m going to rectify the situation. I’m going to make a .46 caliber handgun cartridge.
Now, you might say that’s a bad idea. Let me tell you something. When George Washington wanted to cross the Potomac and drive the British out of New Jersey, I’m pretty sure some folks told him that was a bad idea. But he proved them wrong, didn’t he? He sent them packing all the way back to California. Smelly hippies. Without him, we’d be spelling words like “color” and “flavor” with a “u.” I’m telling you, that man was a great American.
What was I saying? Continued...
News comes that politicians in Boston are looking to curb violent crime by restricting the sale of knives.
There’s some precedent for this across the Atlantic. In the United Kingdom, they responded to a high homicide rate by banning guns. Something had to be done.
Then they saw an epidemic of knife crime, so they banned many types of knives. Something had to be done.
Then folks started assaulting each other with pint beer glasses, and something had to be done. They considered mandating plastic glasses. I am not kidding.
When folks start beating each other with tire irons, rolling pins, and lawn gnomes, something will have to be done.
If Dihydrogen Monoxide continues to claim as many lives as it currently does, something will have to be done.
Of course, they could try looking at the root causes of violence, such as unemployment and alcoholism, and…oh, who am I kidding? Continued...
By now, you’ve likely heard of Attack Watch, a site on which loyal citizens can report their friends, neighbors, politicians, boss, or gardener for spreading “misinformation” about the President and his agenda. The site is registered to Obama for America, an underdog organization with only about $140,629,243 in capital. It’s not quite the Ministry of Love, but it’ll have to do.
I got to thinking, and I’ve been pretty hard on the guy myself. In fact, I’m positively wracked with guilt. As such, I’ve turned myself in to the site. I advise anyone else who’s disagreed with the administration to do so as well. Consider it a gesture of purgation and reconciliation. Really, isn’t it time we started healing as a country?
I’ve also taken the proactive step of reporting anyone I suspect of not having the moral character to do so themselves. A short list follows.
We were pretty slow at work this weekend. Apparently, Atlanta is not only hosting a football game, but Dragon*Con and Black Gay Pride as well. It’s hard to compete with a lineup that covers that many bases.
Given this unprecedented confluence of diversity, one must inevitably wonder: is Lando Calrissian getting the respect he deserves? He could be a major influence for cultural integration and acceptance.
Seriously, look at the guy. He’s all kinds of fabulous.
Now, I’m not implying anything here. Lando does seem to prefer the company of women, but then there’s this:
Of course, that doesn’t prove much, either. I’m not gay, but I’d let Harrison Ford hug me. I might draw the line at second base, but I could definitely find it in my heart to forgive him for that awful film he made with Ellen Degeneres’ ex-wife.
In any case, I’d like to declare September 4th National Lando Calrissian Appreciation Day. Continued...
Nobody knows for sure what made Clippy snap. Perhaps it was the cocaine. Maybe it was the way Steve Ballmer would sneak up and grope him when they were alone in the break room. For all we know, he hit the breaking point when he turned on the television and saw himself being voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.
All we know is that the 21st century wasn’t being kind to Clippy, and he wasn’t taking it anymore.
One January morning in 2000, he showed up at the Microsoft offices in Redmond with a Glock 19 and a 33-round magazine. There would be blood. Oh yes, there would be blood.
However, Clippy’s rampage was cut mercifully short by the fact that he lacked fingers and was unable to operate the gun. King County deputies arrested him on weapons charges. He took an insanity defense, and he’s currently getting the help he needs.
I wish the same could be said of the Brady Campaign.
Let’s just say I know a guy who once knew a guy who once sniffed paint with Julian Assange in college. He sometimes gets, shall we say, privileged information. Some of it is highly classified, as is what I’m about to share with you.
Seriously, let’s not put this all over the internet, people.
We all know that the SCAR Mk-16 was recently dropped by SOCOM, and the government claimed they were going back to the M4. I now have evidence that this is not the case, and that a vast government cover-up is at work.
Who’s Captain Tactical now? Huh? I can’t hear you!
That’s right, baby. I am.
Representing yourself in court is rarely a good idea. Spend a day in traffic court if you want numerous demonstrations. Some of those folks are incompetent to the point of amusement, but once in a while, someone comes along who is simply epic, for lack of a better word.
One of those people is Paul Hupp. Mr. Hupp is a man of passion and conviction. He’s also quite the amateur litigant. I say “amateur” because he failed to procure admission to the California bar, then attempted to get said denial overturned in court.
Feeling that his money was thus wasted on law school, he attempted to get his obligations to student loans discharged. Failing in this, he tried to sue over the matter. The result? More failure.
See a pattern to this man’s life yet? It gets better.
Justice Breyer came up with this concept during oral arguments today, and it was too fruity to pass up.
Still, I take from what you are saying that — let’s make up an imaginary importance of ordered liberty chart, and we give it to James Madison and the other framers. And he would say insofar as that right to bear arms is important for the purpose of maintaining the militia, it’s high on the ordered liberty chart. Insofar as the right to bear arms is there to shoot burglars, it’s low on the ordered liberty chart.
He’s obviously going to be writing a dissent in McDonald (he still hasn’t gotten over Heller), and he’ll need all the help he can get, so I figured I’d run with his idea and cobble together a handy visual aid.
From a lecture by John Pilger, given at an event called Socialism 2009 (“New Left for a New Era”). Mr. Pilger thinks our current President isn’t liberal enough:
During his brief period in the Senate, Obama voted to continue the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. He voted for the Patriot Act. He refused to support a bill for single-payer health care. He supported the death penalty. As a presidential candidate he received more corporate backing than John McCain. He promised to close Guantanamo as a priority, but instead he has excused torture, reinstated military commissions, kept the Bush gulag intact, and opposed habeas corpus.
Notice the banner advertisement, however. Brownell’s.
Somebody’s got a sense of humor.
Domino sugar, “now certified Carbonfree.” Spotted in WalMart.
I am, of course, compelled to point out that the molecular formula for sucrose is C12H22O11. That’s 12 atoms of carbon.
According to Domino, what they actually mean is that the “carbon footprint” of the production process is neutral. Evidently, that was just too clunky of a slogan to put on the label, so they settled for implying that their product is composed only of colorless gases.
Hey, whatever makes you feel all self-righteous…
So, a twentyish sort started asking me about AR-15 rifles. He was interested in starting cheap and building up from there. Fair enough.
Then he asked me which model was more “tactical.” Devoid of any context, that term really doesn’t have any meaning, folks.
Realizing that I was edging into serious Mall Ninja territory, I chose to throw in some lingo. I told him that the answer would depend on how he planned on “deploying” the rifle.
He responded that, for him, a fiream is “just a fallback, if you know what I mean.”
I assured him that I didn’t know what he meant, and then he said it:
“I don’t really need a gun. My hands are registered as lethal weapons.”
He said this without the slightest hint of irony. He was serious.
Fact: The Mayan calendar ends in 2012!
Fact: Pseudoscientists and late-night radio DJ’s agree that a previously unseen planet called Nibiru will impact the Earth in 2012, wiping out most life on the planet!
Fact: This will present a major inconvenience for many.
Coincidence or PROPHECY???
The government has failed to act on this threat!
In fact, the GOVERNMENT has not even acknowledged that there IS a threat!
This is proof of a VAST CONSPIRACY to protect the rich and privileged!
Don’t be left out in the cold when the comet comes in 2012!
Aramchek Global Contingency Consulting has the solutions you need to protect yourself and your family from the bother and nuisance of the End Times.
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Oh, that was McGovern. Oops. I’d much rather vote McGivern anyhow.
If her performance in tonight’s Vice Presidential debate was any indication, Sarah Palin’s going to be one heck of a VP, doggone it.
Only one thing bothers me, and it’s like fingernails being raked down a chalkboard. She pronounces “nuclear” as “noo-kyu-ler.” I know many of the Silent Generation folks enunciated it that way, but I’ll cut them some slack. Even the sitting President has a problem with it.
But for someone only a few years older than me, it’s not really acceptable. I mean, it’s not like there’s a silent “p” or anything: the word’s easily broken down phonetically.
Governor Palin has some charming mannerisms, like her Fargo-esque drawl and that wink she does when she’s making a point. She even managed to look sweet and endearing while she was shredding Biden, and shred she did.
It’s just that “nuclear” is a pretty scary and important word, and I’d hate to think that we might get confused when a hostile power engages in nukular warfare.
There’s a lesson here, and it isn’t pretty.
[Clayton County Commissioner Eldrin] Bell was one of 600-800 people attending strip club franchise owner Jack Galardi’s invitation-only, annual Fourth of July party in Butts County on Saturday. Galardi’s empire includes Pink Pony South, a recently opened strip club in Forest Park.
Bell said he took advantage of a firing range on Galardi’s 500-acre Flovilla ranch to try out a friend’s new “high caliber” handgun.
“Fire jumped out between the barrel and the cylinder [the cylinder gap] and really cauterized, burned my thumb,” Bell said Monday. “It looks ugly.”
They save me from wading through nuggets of wisdom like this, from akryr@hotmail.com:
WTF?!?!! I try to register on your site but it doesn’t work…98% of the world uses Explorer, so get over it LOL! It’s only like 10% use Firefox!
No, really. Some people really have nothing better to do with their time. This is why I don’t cater to IE on the site. It just brings out the worst in people. To those who insist on using it, I have only one thing to say:
perl -e ‘print $i=pack(c5, (41*2), sqrt(7056), (unpack(c,H)-2), oct(115), 10)’
Well, you can start by giving him or her a really stupid name. The Atlanta Journal has published a database of the most common baby names in Georgia.
Some are truly horrendous. I’m pretty sure that if you name your child Chancellor (as 78 people did), he’ll spend most of his primary school years being beaten up for his lunch money. Naming a girl Heaven-Leigh is a sure-fire way to ensure she’ll grow up to be a stripper, but six parents did just that.
Mike Rolfs was kind enough to send along a link to the original mallninja.com, archived at the Wayback Machine. Take a moment to stroll down memory lane with the men who keep our shopping malls safe.
Skunkabilly strikes again! If you don’t get the joke, try reading this.